don't get me wrong, i really love chicago. and i also really think i should be here, but i feel like i'm missing something. it's not that i'm not enjoying myself, and not learning alot (for if anything is certain it would be the incredible amount i'm learning), but i haven't been able to develop the close social connections that everyone else seems to have already done. i just don't have those three or four kids that i can rely on to cram with, to drink with, and to go exploring/adventuring with. the question is, is that so bad? i guess i'm just worried that i'll look back and realize that my first semester in chicago really wasn't THAT great, or i didn't have THAT much fun. what the fuck?! i don't want to feel/think that, and i dont know what to do about it.

why do i not have a few sassy girl friends to take stupid pictures with and go out together?
why do i not (for the first time in my life) have a few awesome guy friends to rely on and spend
every day with?
(***correction. i feel confident and am very glad i met lily and landon. they make me feel like i'm doing something right and that i can still be friends with regular people and have fun.***)

maybe this is what i need to do. to strip down everything i once used as a security (friends, a comfortable/friendly home, drinking and relationships) and for once be able to focus on ME.
not only do i need to become more comfortable independent of other people, but i really need to put more effort into my artwork and get serious when i'm working in the studio.]

ugh. i need to sleep, this is going nowhere.